Funny Strange Medicine

My last conversation with Ann left me with an uncomfortable thought that I’d rather spend time doing things for other people than for myself.  That’s easier for me because as I found out facing the blank page that asked to be filled, it meant sitting with pain without flinching.

After writing a long-delayed “blog” entry, I realized all I needed was to watch Frozen’s Let It Go because after not having seen it for months and after writing my cathartic missive, I cried for the first time in front of You Tube playing the song I thought everyone’s so sick and tired of.  The lyrics still resonated with me and my plight, and the song took on refreshed meaning.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

So it’s no use holding back and keeping things inside because they’ll blow over and appear uninvited in flashes of temper, in exhaustion, in anger.  I was tired of working and coming home to a house that needed more cleaning because I had more initiative than my only adult housemate. I was tired of letting conflicting parenting opinions about television get the better of me, waging a war inside my head.

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all

I thought they won’t get to me in China and the distance from Manila does you good but then you have to make that distance extend itself further.  The physical length is not enough if you’re still carrying the weight inside.  The emotional distance – now that’s trickier to hold off and the hit Disney song funnily soothes like a drug.

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I'm free!

My anthem is freedom but I revert back to non-freedom, feeling trapped and bogged down when I shouldn’t.  It’s good to keep company with people who remind us of this basic freedom. 

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

Yup, it’s okay to live with raging storms and it just goes on around you but it’s merely storm around you.  Allow the storm to enter and you have to beat it out the door like an unwanted guest and maintain your peace. 

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past

The past is in the past. The past is in the past.  The past is in the past.  How many times do I have to repeat that?  I’ll let Idina Menzel repeat it for me a thousand times.  She’s got the greater voice range, anyway.

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

No perfect girl here, just somebody imperfect realizing it’s okay to tell problems to fuck off.